The Griswolds Go Deep Into the Heart of Quebec

Day 7 - August 28, 2013

We awoke to find out that our apartment had no water. Because this happened to us in Istanbul earlier this year, could this be a pattern? When I called the apartment owner, he informed me that the city was doing work outside so they had turned off the water. He also informed me that he had known about this yesterday. Hmm, you'd think he could have warned us so we could have gotten up early enough to bathe. On the plus side, he was very apologetic and offered the use of his home a few blocks away to shower. However, we thought it best to just pack up and hit the road. 

About halfway to Quebec, I stopped to get gas at a little rural station. It had one of those old style pumps without a place to pay by credit card. When I went inside the station to pay in advance, the proprietor insisted in pumping for me and inquired in broken English whether I was European. Ha!

Lunch at a McDonalds about 60 kilometers from Quebec was disgusting. However, our attempt at order was quite comical as the cashier knew little English and my French accent was probably just as bad. When I asked for "un shake vanille, si vows plait," the cashier looked at me like I'm from a foreign planet. Then a lightbulb went on in her head and she said "Milkshake?" Who knew the word was the same. I then requested "un meal pour un enfant." Again she looked at me with a puzzled expression. Then her coworker said "happy meal?"

Shortly after leaving McDonalds we discovered more evidence that something sinister is going on in Canada. Look carefully at the sign on the back of this vehicle.

The Canadians disguising their military vehicles as "student driver" vehicles; more evidence of impending Canuck invasion?

When we arrived at our apartment, Thane and I were shown the apartment twice. Once by owner and once by her 12 year old daughter so she could practice her english. After unpacking, we headed to Québec's old city - which is completely surrounded by its original walls - the only city like that in North America outside of Mexico and the Caribbean. It's as close to Europe as you can get this side of the Atlantic.

We split up as Emily wanted to play in the park next to the city's massive fortifications. Thane, Nastassja, and I headed to the famous Chateau Frontenac - supposedly the most photographed hotel in North America. However, this is Québécois propaganda as everyone knows that the Motel 6 on the south side of Gary, Indiana has been photographed far more often. 

A distant second to the Motel 6 in Gary.

We descended to the lower town and found further evidence of Canada's increasing militarization. 

It's no coincidence that this cannon faced south towards the United States.

Pointed in the general direction of Scranton, Pennsylvania - this cannon could wipe one of America's most beautiful cities off the map in a blink of an eye.

For this reason, the United Nations Security Council recently pass a resolution calling for Canada to allow its inspectors to search for weapons of mass inspection or face an embargo on the export of "Oh Canada" 45 rpm records. Face with such an crippling embargo, Canada acceded to the U.N.'s demand and several of the best UN inspectors arrived on the scene.

He trained under Hans Blix's tutelage. 

Another UN inspector telling the press she was taking no questions as she arrived. 

Because the notorious Canadian secret police were everywhere, one of the UN inspectors was forced disguise himself as a local.

A brilliant disguise.

Our man in Quėbec headed to the famous Notre Dame des Victories, first built in 1687 and used in the film Catch Me If You Can. With the location of the church being used by a film with such a taunting name, our young inspectors deduced that the church was probably a hiding place for the weapons of mass destruction.

No sign of Leonardo DiCaprio

Upon entering the church, one of the weapons of mass destruction was discovered in a brilliant hiding place - hanging from the ceiling Canada was placing a miniature ship obviously to be used to cripple Maine's lobster industry. 

Clearly, more dangerous than Colin Powell's infamous yellow cake.

Afterwards, our young inspectors all headed to Restaurant L'omelette to celebrate a hard days work with Mouse au Chocolate.

The Swedish Chef prefers Chocolate Moose.

As night fell, we wondered what diabolical plans were being hatched high up in the tower.

The Griswolds Scale the Mont

Day 6 - August 27, 2013

The day started as the others have in Montreal, except Nastassja went with me to Second Cup for our lattes. After breakfast, we split up with Becky and Emily heading back to the Old City while Nastassja, Thane, and I had grand plans to scale Mont Royal. But first, we wanted to get into mountain climbing shape by scaling the steps of the St. Joseph's Oratory, Canada's largest church.

Preparing to climb the steps to the oratory so they can brush up on their public speaking skills.

The dome on the church is the third largest of its kind (St. Peter's in Rome of course being the largest). The photo doesn't do it justice, but it was quite the climb to reach the top. 

She heard that there was a gift shop at the top so she's racing faster than a speeding Mountie.

Nastassja loved the superb view of the mansard roof on the College Notre-Dame du Sacre-Coeur far below.

The College of Notre-Dame in the background. Lou Holtz got his start here before moving up to the University of Notre Dame.

Once inside, we headed to the reliquary to see Frère Andre's heart, wholly enclosed in a jar of formaldehyde and on display for all to see. Frère Andre was a controversial figure in Canada, reputedly able to cure  thousands with miraculous healing powers at the beginning of the 20th Century. He later achieved sainthood under Pope Benedict. Unbeknownst to most, he also invented the little chocolate mints that are served by restaurants with the bill.

The heart of miraculous healer and tasty after-dinner mint inventor Frère Andre.

We then made a short four mile walk to the downtown for lunch. On our way, we discovered evidence that the Canadians are planning a mass invasion of the U.S.A. 

Notice the cannon and massive fort in the background. A plot to invade the United States and make God-Fearing Americans eat Canadian bacon?

We stopped for a lunch of pizza and moules at Restaurant Pino near the Musee Beaux Arts. And of course, like any true American tourist, we had to get some obnoxious photos with the art outside.

An early rendering of Mr. Snuffleupagus.

Since all horses are requisitioned for the Royal Mounties, the locals are reduced to riding their bovine cousins.

Busted

The Canadian Academy Awards are Life-size.

After our cheap, tacky diversion, we began to prepare for our ascent of Mont Royal. Like on the slopes of Mount Everest, the weather can change at any moment on Mont Royal. Therefore, we all practiced dodging snow.

Many a fellow climber have met their doom on Mont Royal because they did not adequately prepare for the vagaries of the mountain's weather.

Because we knew scaling the heights of Mont Royal would be a Herculean task, we began with a reading from Sir. Edmund Hillary and declared "It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves." Despite these words of wisdom, Nastassja almost collapsed in shear terror when she saw the steps we would have to climb.

With the oxygen thinning because of the high altitude, Nastassja was on the verge of collapse.

However, Thane and I were able to coax Nastassja forward with gentle words of encouragement. And up we went. 

To the top, I say!

After about a 20 minute strenuous climb, we reached the Chalet Mont Royal - which although not at the summit, had a spectacular view of Montreal and beyond.

She made it, and there really was a gift shop at the top!

We pushed onwards, reaching the summit about 30 minutes later. On our descent, we reached the Croix de Mont Royal, which was first placed here in 1643 by the founder of Montreal, Paul de Chomeday de Maisonneuve. As you can see from the photo below, the 17th Century French had very advanced metal working techniques.

Paul de Chomeday was the great-great-great grandfather of Gustave Eiffel.

Having scaled the heights of Mont Royal, we headed back down to the city below and a comforting ride on the Metro home.

Meanwhile, as we were climbing Mont Royal, Emily was engaged in dangerous activities herself.

Dangerous teeter-totters are placed throughout Canada to lure unsuspecting Americans who will then be forced to use Canada's socialized health-care system to treat their injuries.

Another dangerous plot against innocent Americans who may get water in their eyes.

Canadian ice-cream intended to elevate the blood-sugar levels of American children.

The Griswolds Relive the 1976 Olympics

Day 5 - August 26, 2013

Before recounting yesterday's events, a word about the neighborhood we are staying in. We are in the Cote-des-Neiges-Notre-Dame-de-Grace neighborhood which is west of the downtown. From my observations, this has to be one of the most diverse neighborhoods in the world. It's really amazing. On our block, it appears that the majority of residents are Orthodox Jews. But you have lots of people of asian, middle easterner, and european descent. 

Last night on one block alone I counted restaurants that served Thai, Vietnamese, Halal (food that is permissible under Islamic law), Indian, Sushi, Maghreb (from Morocco, Algeria, or Tunisia), Cambodian, Lebanese, Italian, and British fish and chips food. And that doesn't include the nearby grocery that specializes in Sri Lankan and Bangladesh food or the multiple restaurants serving Philipino food scattered throughout the neighborhood. And I also spied an Armenia pizzeria. What a mishmash or peoples and cultures!

After another breakfast run to Second Cup (and luckily no Quebecois separatists attacked while I ordered my soy latte), we took a 40 minute Metro ride to the Olympic Park. 

The long, grinding Metro ride has obviously exhausted her.

When you come up from underground, the stadium appears before you like a giant white stapler with it's angled tower. According to the tour we took later, the tower is the tallest leaning tower in the world, which is why to this day, no one from Pisa has ever visited Montreal. Later dubbed by locals as the "Big Owe" because its construction was not paid off until 2006 (by that time Bruce Jenner was old and gray - even with all those bowls of Wheaties he allegedly ate), the facade is crumbling in parts. However, from afar, it is still very impressive.

So impressive that one must blow bubbles with gum.

When the kids asked what the tower was used for, I explained that it was the world's largest stapler. When people need to fast two extra large pieces of paper, the building is put into use. In fact, when Mitt Romney founded Staples through Bain Capital, he tried to buy the rights to the stadium's image to use as the logo for the store.

Contemplating the extra large stable holes.

Because the Montreal Olympics were the first ones I recall watching, the stadium has sentimental meaning to me. Plus, I was always a sucker for the Olympics while growing up.

Afterwards we headed to the nearby Biosphere - which was used as the velodrome for bicycling events during the 1976 Olympics. Similar inside to Milwaukee's non-famous Domes, the building houses tropical and other types of plants. Unfortunately, the place is not kept very clean, and it teems with overgrown rats.

You'd think they could keep the rats out.

Despite the rodent problem, we ate lunch on the premises (the nearby Burger King which was housed in a movie complex charged $11 for a burger - thanks, but no thanks).

After the Biosphere, we entered the Olympic Stadium proper, heading to the pool that was used for the swimmers to warm up in before events. Nastassja and Emily were quite impressed - I think it was their first time seeing an Olympic sized pool.

No 25 meter races allowed here.

The gift shop in the stadium had some really nice retro t-shirts with the 1976 Olympic logo on them - which of course were irresistible to me. We then took the $5 stadium tour which consisted mostly of the guide recounting all the famous car salon shows that had taken place inside the stadium ("car salon" is a Quebecois euphemism for Monster Truck Rally as those Quebecers love their monster truck shows on Sunday). 

A golden hue remains inside the stadium, a leftover from all the steroids the East Germans used to obtain Olympic Gold during the 1976 Olympics.

The guide also mentioned that the Montreal Expos used to play baseball here until they were sold to the Americans, the guide placing special emphasis on the word Americans while glaring at us.

The guide did tell us about the two queens who came to the 1976 Olympics - Elizabeth II and then of course Queen Nadia Comaneci who scored the first perfect 10 in female gymnastics. I think Nastassja particularly like this story.

The coolest Metro stop in the world though it appears that a certain someone who will not be named, but is in the middle, was unhappy about having her siblings in the photo.

By this time, it was 5 pm so we headed home. In the evening, Thane participated in a Magic the Gathering draft at a game shop that was about a 30 minute walk away. It was a little disquieting as a parent leaving him alone in a foreign speaking country, but he had a blast. So much so that when I came back two and a half hours later at 9 pm, he elected to stay until the tournament finished at 11 pm. He finished 4th out of 12 players so I think he was pleased with himself since he was the only kid there.

Thane the American invades a Canadian gaming tournament.

The gals and I ate at the Blanche Neige Restaurant, a restaurant I found on Tripadvisor.  Although the food quantities were huge and the prices reasonable, the quality was left lacking. Damn you Tripadvisor!

We all ended the night with the Olympic theme song playing in our heads as we fell asleep.

The Griswolds Storm the Old City of Montreal

Day 4 - August 25, 2013

Thane and I started the day by walking three blocks to Second Cup - which is the Starbucks of Canada - to get lattes for Becky and I - and chocolate croissants for the kids. Apparently, the name "Second Cup" has been incendiary in Montreal at times - in 2001 one location was firebombed here because it incorporated english in it's name. My mother would probably have me avoid going there for this reason - or at least check to see if there are any State Department travel warnings for drinking coffee at a Second Cup in Montreal.

After breakfast, we hit the Metro - which reminded me a lot of the Paris Metro with the french movie billboards and advertisements on the walls. I also like the color scheme as it was very late 60s and early 70s.

Notice how my fashionable shoelaces pair up well with the Metro color scheme. 

Emily enjoyed the loud passing by train.

I half expected to see the Eiffel Tower when we came up from the Metro at the Champs de Mars stop downtown. It was a ten minute walk to the bustling and touristy Place Jacques-Cartier (when you say these french names in your head - make sure you say them with an exaggerated French accents - because that's the way you must talk here - you don't want to sound like a tourist). We immediately did what all Americans do upon arriving at a famous (or even non-famous) spot: we sat down to eat.

Since this was Montreal, everything we ordered was French: frites and escargot. Poutine - frites topped with cheese curds and then smothered in gravy (I was not impressed). And of course that most famous of french dishes - cheese pizza. Only Becky and Nastassja were brave enough to try the snails. Nastassja even wanted seconds. For a girl with very narrow food tastes back home, she's always adventurous in trying the exotic food on vacation.

Don't eat Gary!

The kids wondered why we were all given sharp knives with our food. I explained that sometimes the snails weren't completely dead when served and would try to slink away. The knives were to be used in this event to stop them dead in their tracks.

As we wandered down the hill towards the river and really really old buildings (for North American standards), we had to get a photo in the cheesy photo frames placed at various spots around the city as we didn't want to look like tourists.

Doing as the locals do.

The main drag in Montreal's old town is the Rue St. Paul. The rue is lined with old buildings that conjured up your typical European pedestrian zone. And as with all pedestrian tourist zones the world around, tacky souvenir shops were abundant. 

Typical souvenir shop on Rue St. Paul. Oh la la!

After all that cheesy tack, we needed to find some culture as counterbalance. So Becky, Thane, and I (Nastassja and Emily continued to peruse the souvenir shops) headed into Basilique Notre Dame de Montreal, an impressive cathedral built in the 1824. Most famously it hosted Celine Deleon's wedding in 1994. 

At first Thane didn't want to tour the cathedral because he said it was against his religion (Pastafarian), but I think he was quite impressed upon entering - especially with the giant pipe organ which was blaring Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On."

A Titanic sized cathedral.

Once back outside, some tourists thought Thane looked like a good photographer and demanded that he take their photo.

Future Ansel Adams?

At that point, we split up for a while. The gals headed towards the underground city, which is labyrinth of underground tunnels, shops, and restaurants the locals use during the cold harsh winter. Some say that the Minotaur was really not slain on Crete but actually relocated to the underground city of Montreal. Whatever the truth, the gals were not impressed with the underground city so they headed to Chinatown and bought some nice yellow fans and purple chopsticks - items I always conjure up on my mind when thinking of Montreal.

Notice the firing squad in the background - Quebec has one of the highest use of capital punishment in the world.

Thane and I headed to the archeological museum where we took in exhibits on tea and the Beatles in Montreal, two items that are linked in most peoples minds with Montreal. At the museum, I found the rug for our living room:

Best rug ever.

And no visit to Montreal is complete without seeing the famous Habitat 67 building built for the 1967 World's Fair.

From the cube blocks, you can see that the building was an earlier version of Minecraft.

The happy family reunited for ice cream and then headed towards the Metro as it was late afternoon. However, Becky and Emily were concerned that we looked too much like tourists so they attempted to blend in with the locals.

Another wonderful thing about Montreal are the ubiquitous mansard roofs. A few years back Vampire Weekend came out with a song about mansard roofs in which the first lyrics are "I see a mansard roof through the trees." Now whenever I spot one, I sing that first line to Nastassja. What better city for Nastassja to visit with her papa.

As we entered the Metro station to head back home, we spotted Montreal's famous Nude Lady with an Electric Guitar statue at Victoria Station.

For dinner, we ate at a Chinese restaurant in the neighborhood.

The Griswolds Breeze through Toronto and Enter a Foreign Speaking Land

Day 3 - August 24, 2013

I'll start out by acknowledging that August 24 is the birthday of my sister, Amy. Of course it was impossible to reach her by cell phone as she is not electronically inclined. Neither was a posting on Facebook as she only looks at her page once a year. In any event, happy 44th to my Dork Sister.

We started out the day by having breakfast at the hotel restaurant. The Holiday Inn Express that we stayed at in Mississauga was not too shabby. Although it was situated in the middle of nowhere right off the 401 highway, the lobby had a definite European feel to it. Big spacious rooms (a bedroom and a separate living area) worked well for our family. After breakfast we headed to downtown Toronto.

Our plan was to see Kensington Market since we had heard good things about it from a coworker. Plus, we were under the impression that Casa Loma, Toronto's own European castle, was nearby and the kids could get a thrill out of seeing a real live castle.

Since this was the first time I'd ever seen Toronto closer than the outer expressway (I drove the outer edge in 1991 when taking my sister Kate back to college at Smith and 2000 when Peggy and I took Thane to Quebec), I was really impressed at how vast Toronto is. According to wiki (always the bastion of accuracy), it is the fourth largest city in North America, only smaller than Mexico City, New York, and Los Angeles in population.

There are pockets of skyscrapers here and there as you get closer to downtown. And the CN Tower loomed larger and larger. As you get closer to the CN Tower, it has a real dated, but space age flair to it, with the concrete siding and bulge in the middle. The waterfront area looks real neat, with the Toronto FC stadium crammed into an area close to the water front (as sports stadiums should be - none of this suburban sports stadium baloney here).

Our directions said that Kensington Market was right off Chinatown. So when we arrived in Chinatown, we parked. Public parking was unbelievably cheap for a large town - $2.50 an hour - almost as cheap as if we were in Madison! We walked down Spadina Avenue, which is apparently the main drag of Chinatown. What a great feel the street has.

We passed shops selling exotic fruits.

Who knew Canada's tropical climate was capable of supporting such exotic fruits.

The area was bustling with asian cuisine restaurants. But best of all, there were the Chinese knick knack shops. It's amazing what you can find in the shops - everything from cheap tacky souvenirs (like a wind up plastic baby that crawls or a plastic PSY who blares Gangnam Style) to washing machines to wash to cheap souvenir t-shirts that you can buy (5 for $10!). You can travel the world around but always find the same stuff in the local Chinatown shops.

We walked up to a castle looking structure. We thought, could this be Casa Loma? Although castle-like looking, it didn't seem large enough. Plus it appeared to be under complete reconstruction. 

Definitely not Casa Loma.

I later discovered that Casa Loma was further up Spadina. Just like the Griswolds to travel hundreds of miles and miss the spot they were looking for.

We passed a really cool looking cafe called the Castle Board Game Cafe, which had bookshelves full of board games to play at large wooden tables. Thane would have been in heaven there. Alas the cafe didn't open until noon.

The scene on the street was definitely heating up as the kids were terrified by the dragon that appeared.

The look of shear terror!

Next up, I bought three lucky Buddhas for the kids at a $1.99 each. But as I would accidentally lose them at the restaurant an hour later, it turned out that they weren't so lucky.

I bought the kids sugar drinks - a man had a little machine in which he fed sugar cane (one of Canada's biggest cash crops - grown all the way up to Hudson Bay) and out popped a green sugary vegetable tasting drink.

The sugar cane eating machine has a voracious appetite.

Thane, Nastassja, and I sat down for a quick lunch at a Chinese restaurant. (Emily and Becky ate from a food cart on the street as all Emily wanted was white rice). We ordered several plates - the highlights which were the pork buns with orange fish eggs (Nastassja was horrified and scraped all the eggs off) and fried squid tentacle.

The girl loves her tentacles.

Thane was definitely the chopstick pro in the family.

But what about Kensington Market, you may ask? We missed it completely! We later found out that we were only a block away - but never found it among the hustle and bustle of Chinatown. We are the Griswolds!

After lunch, we made the long slog to Montreal. The route took us along the edge of Lake Ontario. Every time we would see the lake, I would point out to the whole family that this was the last of the great lakes - as if it was some sort of the endangered species. The family, especially Becky, thought this was hilarity at it's highest.

We made several stops at Tim Horton's on the drive. It's now becoming a running joke with especially Emily says "look there's a Tim Horton's - you don't see those very often in Canada." Emily adopts her step-father's humor in a hurry.

I found the transition from Ontario to Quebec dramatic. One moment you are on highway where all the signs are in English and you feel like you could be in the States, the next moment you are on a highway where the signs are in French and even the symbols on the signs are the European type. It almost feels like you are driving into Europe. Very cool indeed.

When we arrived in Montreal, the city Bruce Jenner made famous, the sun was setting and of course we got lost (no Google Maps since we had no data plan for our phones being in this foreign land and all). However, after driving around for a half-an-hour, Becky and I were able to muddle our way to the Beautiful Homey 3 Bedroom apartment  (the decor is very dated - I don't think I'd call it beautiful) we rented in the heart of the city.

We walked a few blocks - the kids desperate for food as it was going on 9 pm. We saw a sign in the distant and thought it said "pizzeria" causing much excitement among the kids. But upon arrival at the restaurant, we realized the sign said "Philippines" food. Just what the kids mouths were watering for! We decided to eat at the Indian restaurant next door. Of course, Nastassja protested (Emily wanted to eat there - that's how we knew she was hungry).

Thane really liked the cuisine. In the end, Nastassja and Emily decided that they only really liked the naan bread - but they did consume copious amounts.